Ok, so we all thought 2021 was gonna be the dawn of a new day. For some reason, the symbolic changing of the calendar from December 31, 2020 to January 1, 2021 signaled a new beginning. Perhaps we were just naive. We wanted something to look forward to and 2021 seemed just far enough on the horizon that we thought things would change by the time we got there. Last summer we had high hopes of a vaccine by year’s end and an overall decrease in COVID cases. After all, how long could the quarantine really last? Certainly not an entire year! We are wiser now, and we are tired.
In case you were busy watching and rewatching Bridgerton, here’s what’s happened so far in 2021:
- A Boeing jet went missing in Indonesia with 62 passengers aboard. Boeing executives were seen purchasing Amtrak passes.
- New COVID variants have popped up worldwide. Anti-vaxxers, not comprehending basic science, said “Ha! Vaccines don’t work.” Then some died of COVID, flu complications or another preventable illness.
- Bezos and Musk volleyed for Richest Dude in the Universe. Every time one pulled ahead, the other had to run through the quad naked.
- Dr. Dre had a brain aneurysm and survived. His wife said Ok so then $2 million until the divorce is finalized?
- Gamestop stock got stupid expensive and proved that sometimes living in Mom’s basement posting on Reddit all day is profitable.
- The former President was impeached – for the second time.
- Coachella ’21 was cancelled. VSCO Girls tipped a Hydro Flask to it’s memory.
- There was a shitshow at the US Capitol.
- Marilyn Manson and Armie Hammer were cancelled. R Kelly and Bill Cosby welcomed them to the club.
- Texas had a Snowpiercer week. Power went out and pipes froze. The Governor lifted mask mandates figuring if more people got sick, they wouldn’t notice how fracked up the state power situation was.
- A plane en route to Hawaii lost half an engine over Denver. “Glad that didn’t happen in the middle of the Pacific” said the pilots.
- Japan had a 7.2 earthquake.
- The Mars Rover landed. Upon hearing what was happening on Earth, it rejoiced its inevitable death on Mars.
- Harry and Meghan mic dropped the Royal Fam then announced they were having a baby girl. Oprah silently reminded all of us who the real Queen is.
- Kim and Kanye filed for divorce. Kanye asked Mark Zuckerberg to front him some cash for legal fees.
- Senator Ted “Cancun” Cruz threw his kid under the bus, claiming she made him go to Mexico. Voters rejoiced that he didn’t win the presidency if he could so easily be bullied by a teenage girl in flip flops.
- A couple of women posed as senior citizens to receive COVID vaccines. They were caught when medical staff became suspicious because both women claimed to be named Karen. When the vaccines were refused, they demanded to speak to a manager.
- The first female Vice President of the United States was elected. Shards of glass were found nationwide as a result of the ceiling broken by VPOTUS Harris.
- I started a blog. The internet rejoiced.
There were deaths.
- Alex Trebek
- Larry King
- Cicely Tyson
- Christopher Plummer
- Toys ‘R Us – Their last 2 stores closed. Geoffrey was laid to rest in a field of Lego. Barbie wore black.
And a very few good things happened.
- Caillou was cancelled.
- Betty White, a national treasure, turned 99
- Dolly Parton, also a national treasure, turned 75
- JoJo Siwa came out as gay. A generation of young fans will have another positive gay role model.
- COVID vaccines began appearing in all 50 states.
- Johnson & Johnson had a single shot vaccine approved. It is called “No more tears” and doesn’t sting when injected.
We’re just in March now, so who knows what the rest of the year has in store. I may just hunker down and wait until 2022 before I leave the house again.